Long Multi-Day Entry (10/8-10/18)

This entry was written a little bit at a time, and the dates of each segment are indicated below...


(10/8)
It's 3:08 and I'm sitting in office hours. I started a new thing this week to help give students prepare for their exams, both the ones I give and more importantly their BECE. Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays I sit after school in the Form 3 room in case anyone has any questions about anything. The idea came to me for 2 reasons: 1) it helped me a lot at UF when professors had office hours and also 2) it leaves it open for them to ask me questions about anything; math, science, English, whatever. Whether it's a math topic I taught or something they should have learned but never saw, they can come with whatever and I'll help. Monday I stayed 2:00-3:30 and not a single student came. I didn't mind, I just read a book. By 3:45 my head was pounding anyway and so I was happy to have a relaxing afternoon. I laid down for a nap and around 4:15 about a dozen students, mixed from all 3 forms showed up at my house. Turns out after school they all go straight home to eat and pray. None came to office hours not because they didn't want to, they were just busy culturally with other things.


I ignored my pounding headache and helped them till about 5:15. Then I told them I'd host office hours 3:00-5:00 "starting tomorrow" and sent them off. The great thing about these hours is that only the really interested kids come. So I can push them to think and participate. "you're here because you want to learn and you want help, so talk to me. I won't give you all the answers."


Classes have been going very well this week. I'm starting to get a better feel for my classes and their strengths and weaknesses. I have totally changed my strategy with form 1. Now it's much more write, read, and copy. Less critical thinking. My goal is to get their English better by forcing them to read and write science terms, and push the critical thinking in Form2 and Form3.


Tomorrow I'm hoping to give a math test in Form 2 and science test for Form 3. But we have a PTA meeting in the morning so we'll see how that goes.


Earlier this week (Tuesday) the circuit supervisor came by to discuss our scores on the BECE. Our school did not do well at all, only 30% passed. The other JHS in our town had 100% passing, the best in the district of over 20 schools, and a phenomenal stat for any Ghanaian school. It was good to see him turning the heat up on our HeadMaster and staff for accountability but what got me mad was that he offered zero direction. In his district one school got 100%, another 73%, all the rest were below 50% passing. So what's this JHS school in town doing different than the others? Document it and direct your schools. How else can you hope for any improvement? It's like that saying goes: "You can hope in one hand..." Just praying that scores will improve won't make them any better.


(10/12)
It's not that the issues aren't obvious, it's just that noone's being called out on them. Two of our teachers are rarely here on Mondays and they leave early on Fridays. They NEVER stay all day and are never prepared for class. At 7:30AM when we're supposed to be here 95% of the time it's just me and Bubu.


I'd been having a few "down" days in a row partially agitated by the fact that I'm the only person (Including our HeadMaster who teaches English) that makes formal lesson plans like the GES (Ghana Education System) requires, so I just stopped doing them. Actually the timing was funny; I had told myself "Whatever, even if they don't, I'll do a better job if I have a good plan so today, Tuesday, I'll use my 4 free hours to plan." Before I could, however, the Circuit Supervisor showed up and asked to see everyone's lesson plans. Even though mine were 2 weeks behind I was the only one who had anything. So the CS wrote up our HeadMaster for not asking us to do Lesson Plans. He replied: "But sah, I have asked them, we are all adults. If they do not do it, I will not chase them to see that they do it." In reality he never asked for it and didn't follow up even once. This is mostly due to the fact that he seems to have given up on the "lost cause" teachers at our school. It's a really bad managerial situation when you have a timid anti-confrontational manager and opportunistic subordinates. At our staff meeting, immediately following the CS visit, HeadMaster looked like a volcano about to erupt under his own skin. He was even more quiet than usual and shaking at his desk restraining his emotions. He was so angry he looked like he might cry. He began the meeting in a more forward tone than I had ever seen him; not calling people out by name, but pointedly addressing to the general group the bad habits of lateness and absence. Although he was pushing as hard as he knew how, it still came out at barely over a whisper; hands trembling and his eyes always locked on the paper, avoiding eye contact. Finally Jerry jumped in with "Just say it. If you need to say something just say it." Saidu (our HeadMaster) visibly deflated and continued much more calm. Having one of his biggest concerns invite the reprimand seemed to give him the nudge he needed. "The CS has queried (written up) me for not vetting class notes. But if you do not prepare them, what can I do? They will most likely ask again on Thursday and if you still do not have them I will be in much more trouble. So please, I'm pleading you. This is a plea." He addressed several other solid points but his quasi-confrontation only held so much strength. After some silence Jerry jumped in and essentially blamed it all on the students, and the parents. Now to be fair, there is much to be desired from both, but I really believe the biggest problem lies in our staff. When I couldn't take it anymore I jumped in "Look, we can look for reasons all day but we need to set a good example. How do you think it looks to the students when we show up late every day and leave early and don't teach classes during our assigned time? If I was a student I'd find excuses to go home too. You talk about their senior students setting a bad example. We're their teachers. We're adults. We should lead by example. If we're always here, and never miss, and prepare well, I be we'll see a drastic improvement."


(10/13)
My approach to dealing with my fellow teachers has been 3 parted: 1) Stay quiet and only speak up at key times such as at the meeting when Head finally said something. Choosing my words carefully for maximum impact. 2)Always set a good example without flaunting it; showing up on time, staying all day, never missing class, preparing well. 3) Building relationships with the best and worst teachers so that my chosen words will have the strongest impact and if I disagree with them we have a way to diffuse the tension.


The day of the staff meeting was awkward but a few days later me, Jerry, Gerald and Bubu all sat in Head's quarters to watch "The Match". Uruguay vs Ghana in the world cup under 20 league. I taught all day in my Uruguay jersey and during the game I hung up my Uruguayan flag. We all had a fun time of it, talking shit and laughing. These outside class activities help add depth to what I say and do at school. The game ended 2-2, a politically correct score. The following week we sat for Ghana vs South Africa, Ghana won 2-1. That Wednesday was Uruguay vs Brazil. I hate seeing my team lose but god, watching them play... I swear the Brazilians look like they're dancing on the field. It's an art with them.
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So my fridge is finally working again. Ya, when I moved in I bought a little mini-fridge. It's been broken for a few weeks now and I've been shuttling it back and forth to tamale to get it fixed. This time is the 3rd time it's arrived at my house since I bought it. I bought it from a guy in Tamale for 90Ghc, which is A Lot of money if you consider that I only make 220Ghc ($150) a month.

When I got it it worked for a few weeks before the motor started making this terrible noise that sounded like a shard of metal was violently flying around inside it. I instantly got depressed as hell, I bought this off of 'random guy' in the streets weeks ago, there's no way he'd do anything about it. It's not exactly like this used street fridge comes with a manufacturer's warranty or anything.

So I contacted a guy in my village, and he came and looked at it. He told me the motor alone was about 35Ghc and total, including his workmanship, it would be about 50Ghc to fix. If I was lucky and he got some scrap parts I could do it for 35Ghc total. I was really let down and feeling like an idiot who got played. I was proud of my 90Ghc buy, and now it looked like I got a fast one pulled on me. With that cost to fix it I had to at least try this Tamale guy even if he laughed me away from his store...

As I've said before, I have a terrible sense of direction. With a heavy sigh I arrived in Tamale and set off to try to find again the shop of the guy who sold me my fridge.

(10/16)
It's hard to explain what it's like living here, away from everyone and everything you know. Keep in mind I'm the only white person in my town and even my closest American friends here were complete strangers 6 months ago. The whole thing seems to reinforce the theory of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. At home, where everything is predictable (to a survival-type extent) due to a life of upbringing in that culture, your mind is free to focus it's energy on more complex matters. A "long hard day" therefore consists of several hours doing something very thought intensive or physically taxing. But here, you're thrown basically to the bottom level of the pyramid. You worry about if your door will leak in during the storm, if the food you just bought will leave you sick all of the next day. You worry "did I tuck the bottoms of my mosquito net under my mattress well enough?" because you're afraid of a spider or blister beetle crawling on you and biting you in your sleep. (FYI a blister beetle is a bug that when it bites you it makes a big nasty blister on your skin. When the blister finally pops and the fluid comes out, any skin that it touches will make a secondary blister.) And then comes the higher level of interactions; other humans.

"Mentally and physically exhausting" comes to mind. You force yourself out of the house due to guilt "I haven't greeted the elders in a few days, I should go to town." You head to the station and greet every single person you pass. It feels silly at times, and you can tell they think you're funny greeting everyone but the one time you unconsciously pass someone and don't say hello you get a lecture, in Dagbani, about why you need to greet them. And if you don't understand, they repeat it six times as if louder repetition will force you into comprehension.

So I make it to Bubu's recharge stand, already drained. The tea-bred lady who named me Malititi insists on "teaching" me Dagbani. Her lessons consist of extremely fast-spoken, complicated phrases which she repeats no less than 10 times. I usually don't understand 95% of it. The only clear part is "Yielema" (yell-eh-MAH), "Yiele" meaning "say" and "ma" being a command marker. "Say it." I pretend I dont understand that either, and say "To." (TOH) "Ok". or "mmpaya" (mmm-PAH-yuh) "Thank you". Finally I give in and try to repeat, and she corrects me on every detail and has me do it again. I finally lose my patience and as politely as possible tell her that I'm done repeating. I suspect that some times it comes out more polite than others. (This happens every day).

My favorite lesson involves the word "you". It's literally just "eeee". But just as in English you can use different inflections. But my lady only accepts one kind from me. So if she asks a question that I actually understand, and if I reply "yes", she will correct how I reply correctly. Her version and mine sound practically identical to me but she's relentless:
Yielema: eeeee
Eee.
Eeeee!
Ee.
Yielema, eeee.

It seriously infuriates me. So I sit for a bit and go back home to lay down. Then I feel guilty again. "Did I say long enough? Did I greet enough people? Am I going often enough? Am I greeting enough people each time? I still didn't greet the elders these days, will they think bad of me?" After 1-2 hours of all the things I listed (people, food, etc.) I'm seriously exhausted. I feel like I just had a 12 hour day in the US and in reality I've just woken up.

So when you don't fully understand the food, the weather, the structure, the language, or the culture, it's all about the small things you can control and repeat into rituals which serve as a form of comfort. My workout routine every morning is sometimes a dreadful thought, but it's something I control. I force myself to do it, I decide how long it lasts, when it's done and how it's varied. And after some time I get to see the positive results. Expected positive results, coming directly from an action you fully control: that's where the fridge comes in.

I love cooking. It's a 3 part thing. First and most obvious, I'm a fatty and I love eating. But aside from that, and secondly, the actual act of cooking is very therapeutic for me. The chopping, the sprinkling of seasonings, watching the different parts cook and combining them to make a whole; it's mindless and repetitive in a way that's very relaxing. The last reason is the effort/reward aspect. As I get to know the Ghanaian dishes, ingredients, and spices better I have more room to experiment and be creative. I can try new combinations and play with proportions. My mind is fully involved in "how can I make this better?" Many times it just occurs to me, not an active thought but more a feeling that once it arrives is a certainty. "This will be great if I add it." Then maybe 15 min-1 hour later I get a little prize for my efforts. It's 2 parted 1) I get a delicious meal and 2) it's pride in knowing I made it myself. and pointing out the details of it to myself in silence. I'll literally comment to myself like "Wow that's amazing" or "Yea, waaay too much curry powder" or "Oh ya, good call on dicing up the onions." It seems simple but it's a self contained little world of effort and reward. And let's not forget reason #1, I love food.

So when my fridge broke it started a type of chain reaction. It broke so I stopped cooking. My meals take time and so I make bigger portions to last a few meals. I don't have time to cook every time. Since I stopped cooking, I stopped getting my favorite foods. Lastly my little self-esteem activity is gone. Add to that the fact that the mention of the fridge makes me feel embarrassed and stupid for being ripped off cuz I know this guy is going to tell me to screw off. Add to that the list of pressures and tensions I said before, and what you get is one very small, seemingly trivial thing (if you're state-side) and it turns into 2 very depressed weeks for me.

(10/18)
I was really down for a few weeks, culminating at the moment I was looking for my fridge vendor in Tamale. The worst part about having a depressed episode is that you ignore all the good things and focus on the seemingly mounting bad ones:

"God the tea-bread lady is driving me nuts."
"None of the other teachers stay here full time and teach their assigned classes. Even if I'm the best math/science teacher on the planet is it going to change anything about whether the kids go to SS? (Senior High School). Probably not. If they fail 4 subjects and pass my 2, they still fail."

"What am I even doing here? My town isn't particularly warm and welcoming. The other teachers don't seem to care about teaching. Why bother?"

"People back home seem to be calling, emailing, shipping things less often. Maybe they forgot me?"

It's amazing how much one stupid thing can throw your whole world off if you're in an unusual situation to begin with. In the states something like the fridge sounds retarded to fret over, but here it was the snowflake which started the avalanche of a list of other little concerns. What comes to mind is a quote I read in a Peace Corps handbook talking about how little things hit you more when you have zero familiarity around you. It was the ET (Early Termination) letter from a PCV explaining why he was ending his service early and leaving. He very professionally explained issues he had with the program and his counterparts but his honest reason was in his last line:

"Besides, the salt won't come out of the shaker."

That's not a metaphor. That's the last stupid thing that he could deal with before he cracked. It's amazing how much we take for granted the consistency and rountine-ness of our everyday lives. Maybe your problems at school or at work are different every day, but at least you have your life-long friends nearby. Your house is there, your favorite TV show, your favorite food, your language and slang and humor. Your music, your books, the weather you've grown to expect.

Take away one thing and the others all subtly, but surely, step in to help. "My fridge broke"... ok... so you order in, or eat out more. "Me and so-and-so friend are fighting"... so you fall back on one of 100 other safety nets you don't even realize are there in your daily routine. Remove all of that?

And a stopped up salt shaker can really throw you off.